Another Side ^^/ ^^ 岸

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

familiar strangers

There was a old song sang by Fany Wang, a Chinese female singer, named 'Only love strangers'. It has probably nothing to do with what I am gonna talk about. People you are familiar and people that are strangers to you.

I feel that I know lots of familiar strangers. They are people whom I've known for a long long time, and amazingly well. Because of the time and space limitations, we've lost the sense and touch of each other's life and thoughts. They are no longer the people I can say I know or understand damn well. Probably same with how they feel about me. Then there are another group of people in my life, that I've also known for quite a while (probably as long as the first group). The big difference is that they have been always strangers to me since very first day I met them. I know their professions, ages, habits, origins and recognize their faces and voices. There are some constraits which decide that it's the way it has been and will ever gonna be. It sounded sad doesn't it? No I don't feel much regrets. Ok, how can I know they can't be more important to me if I let myself know them better? No I can't say that. Actually they are somehow important to me because they are in my life in one way or another. I got relatively more frequent meetups with them than any other people. I guess the thing is that they are the stabilities in my life, which is not gonna change and diminish in a year or two. No matter I interact more or less, they are there, interacting or not interacting with me. That could be the reason I don't have motivation to develop relationship with this group of people further.

I always think deep down I am a quite social person. I mean values and philosophy are bright and upwards. I think I am wrong. There are obviously things that make me quite passive and lay back person at this moment. I don't feel like talking to people I know, not mention the people I don't know or people I have serious resistence towards.

I am far more willing to get to know people on cybernet, or make my contacts through web. I am afraid that I am that kind of person who doesn't look depressed but actually is very depressed and easily hit by some external factors. And I don't have intention to kill the bad feelings using achole, pills or eating. Ok, eating maybe abit. I usually eat more when I can't figure out ways to deal with problems. The chance to think is bad for me. Cause all I think of is those factors I can't do anything about but still hold on to. I sort out many possibilities to make myself think I am full of analytical thinking and choices. But result is always the opposite. My analysis is fruitless by other people's standards.

I should go out a breath the sun I think? Otherwise I will be stuck in here missing the Finnish course. That can't happen...


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